DATE AT AN EXPERT LEVEL
I struggled with this in the past and overcame the shakes by understanding the root of my problem. The good news is that you are not alone; many guys shake when talking to a girl.
You shake from ANXIETY when talking to a girl. Shaking is a physical symptom that manifests from the fear of rejection. You might also worry that you are undeserving of the girl’s time and attention. What you need to do is realize your worth. Despite all of your insecurities, consider the things that make you a deserving person and play on those strengths.
There are several more reasons why you shake when interacting with a girl. Hope is far from lost. I will cover all the details and how to overcome this troubling phenomenon below.
WHY DO I SHAKE
There is a high probability that you lack experience with girls. Perhaps you didn’t interact much with them as a child, which might be due to your family or social background. Maybe you invested time in activities that did not include girls. You didn’t build that social muscle. Suddenly, puberty hits, and you realize that there is this whole unexplored territory that you are very interested in known as the female sex.
Scientifically, this reaction is a manifestation of stress due to the worry that you might jeopardize a relationship with a girl by saying things that will push her away. In stressful situations, your brain sends signals through your Pituitary gland to a set of glands present at the top of your kidneys – the adrenals. Adrenals secrete a hormone called adrenaline, which increases heart rate, sweating, dilation of pupils, and causes SHAKING.
The reaction is known as the fight or flight response and is an ancient mechanism that we have evolved to aid our survival. However, in all the good it does, sometimes it interferes with our thinking and emotional minds during social interactions. It is why you shake when you talk to a girl; you might also sweat, especially on your palms, feel palpitations and possibly say stupid, incoherent things.
We have all had similar experiences with people, regardless of their sex. Maybe at a job interview, or team tryouts. It can leave you feeling so embarrassed that you want the ground to open up and bury you. Repeated occurrences of the shakiness and the resulting humiliation can serve as a positive feedback loop that leaves you more and more likely to react the same way.
Take comfort in the knowledge that it is probably not the most embarrassing and disorientating thing to happen in the history of humankind. So many guys out there, even the ones you see as very confident, have experienced this same issue. Reassure yourself that your reaction is normal. Realizing you are “not broken” will help prevent you from feeling more anxious and getting worse.
HOW DO I STOP SHAKING WHEN I APPROACH A GIRL
Girls are attracted to emotional strength, things like confidence and self-esteem. They are put off by insecurity and self-doubt. Lack of confidence stems from a feeling of inferiority that you are somehow “less valuable than the girl.” This feeling leads to nervousness around girls. There is always room for self-improvement, and everyone should strive toward it. Self-improvement will give you more confidence, which adds value.
CONFIDENCE IS KEY
Guys base their attraction on looks; girls base their attraction on how they feel during an interaction. Girls are emotional creatures. Confident men trigger an automatic response that tells a girl that a guy is worthy of her time, that the guy is high value, and accepted by other women. In turn, she accepts him also. On the other hand, nervousness triggers the opposite response.
One of the main reasons for shaking when talking with girls is that you don’t believe you are enough. You don’t feel you can win her interest and approval. You lack confidence, and you are rejecting yourself before she has a chance to decide.
Perhaps there is a girl who does not cause you to shake. Maybe a long term friend or a girl you don’t find attractive. Consider how you interact with this girl; this is precisely how you must act around the girls who make you shake. Chill! Relax! Even if you are feeling nervous, fake it!
Stop placing so much value on attractive girls. Stop focusing on looks and social status and treat her the same way you treat the girls that don’t make you nervous. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself, keep them in mind, and recognize that beautiful girls are lucky to talk to you. Be comfortable in your skin. If you are going to get rejected, let her be the one who does it. Stop rejecting yourself!
I mentioned positive feedback loops earlier; more confidence results in more interest from girls. More interest from girls will result in more confidence. Kick start this loop and get the momentum going.
Most of our nervousness results from a lack of experience, not having been there before. When we overthink something, we make excuses as to why we shouldn’t try. This is called analysis paralysis. Practice makes… progress. Never perfect. You must step out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself, and talk with girls. Do this over and over and over again. Repetition and experience is the only way to overcome your fears.
Women are attracted to men who are assertive and are go-getters. Women like wolves, not sheep. It is good to study and prepare, yet your true learning will come from actively doing. Hands-on experience is the best teacher.
Girls will notice your proactive behavior. Being assertive will increase your chances of a girl taking an interest. Even if you shake a little, a girl will appreciate your initiative. As time goes on, and you feel more comfortable, your shakiness will disappear. Think about the girls who don’t make you shake. Maybe they did initially.
GIRLS ARE HUMAN
Most guys do not understand that women are just as 3-dimensional as men. Girls have flaws, insecurities, and major anxiety. Most women are more anxious and nervous than guys are. Girls have a lot of social pressure on them. They are expected to look as physically attractive as the airbrushed models they see in magazines. Girls cannot walk up to guys the same way men can walk up to girls. It is socially unacceptable.
Girls wear makeup and pay particular attention to their looks. This helps increase a girl’s confidence. Resist the temptation to idealize her as some sort of goddess and understand that she is a human, just like you. Have you ever seen a girl without makeup? It is very eye-opening. Consider this when talking to a girl who makes you shake.
Girls always worry about being seen as a slut. Society judges them if they are too available or too agreeable. Many times a girl does like you yet has to give some resistance. Be cool. Confident guys don’t react.
You are enough! Girls will like you for you. If they don’t, so what. There are 4 billion women on the planet. Next! Most people are not very good at acting. When we are nervous and uncomfortable, it is even harder. If you do too much, try too hard to impress the girl, she will see through it. Be authentic, be yourself.
To be yourself, you have to appreciate your strengths and understand that just as you have weaknesses, so do girls. Interacting with girls is not dependent on how great of a conversationalist you are. An introverted person can be just as successful with women as an extrovert. Good listeners do better with women. All girls like to talk. Let them speak, just listen, and they will love you.
If you don’t value yourself, with all your imperfections, you cannot expect others to. Believe in yourself and girls will also.
Many guys make the error of talking with only the hottest girls, the ones that terrify them. Doing this leads to you putting excessive pressure on yourself. You need to remember that you are not romantically compatible with every girl. Not every girl will interest you. This doesn’t matter, talk to all girls. Make friends. It is all practice.
Girls can be just as good a friend as guys can be. Not only will this give you the much-needed experience of interacting with girls, it will also make you comfortable around girls in general. Plus, women are attracted to guys who hang out with girls. Being accepted by women triggers an automatic response that is primitive. A girl thinks to herself, “Hmmm, she is hanging out with him; he must be a high-value guy.”
Interacting with girls is not a giant obstacle that you can never overcome. You won’t succeed with a defeatist attitude. Wallowing in failure will only lead to more feelings of inadequacy. Instead, get out there and make an effort to learn and grow and beat the shakes. I did it; you can do it too.